The other day I ran into Dr. Duke, a true practitioner…he’s getting hitched and he asked me about it. Now I’ve got a year and a few months in marriage, but I have learned a few things:
1. Talk about money early and often. Number one cause of divorce isn’t infidelity its money. People handle spending, saving, budgeting, and the prioritization of money differently. If you don’t discuss the differences you’ll always butt heads because you’ll always look at things differently.
2. Pick your battles. Everything is not worth fighting with your Spouse about. Save “Going to the mattresses” for major issues.
3. Have weekly alone time. “And the two became one…” yeah, yeah I know..but if you don’t continue to be an individual you’ll get sick of anybody always up under you. Get away from the house. Eat by yourself, go to the movies, hang out with your friends go shopping ( be careful of no. 1) …do something by yourself that doesn’t involve your spouse or your children…speaking of crumb snatchers…
4. Wait to have kids ( if you can.) Of course this won’t work if you already have children. But newlyweds with no children should give themselves sometime to enjoy and grow themselves as a married couple before introducing to the family the exponential growth that is children. Children arrive and easily become the focus of the family, often leading to neglect or lower prioritization of the spousal relationship. So when/if you do have children, make sure you take the same great care of your spouse as you do your children.
5. Have date night (weekly) Follow up from the last two, just as you’ll need time to maintain yourself (your own personhood), you’ll need time to maintain the health of your relationship with your spouse. That means get away from the kids, get a babysitter, go out to eat, or to a movie, or put them to bed early and rent a movie. Spend some time with your spouse outside of your bedroom. (a few years back they did a study that said people that don’t have TV’s in their bedrooms had better marriages, look it up to see how they defined “better”)
6. Don’t take the attitude of ….You’re stuck with me now. People can always check out. Whether its mentally, spiritually, emotionally or physically leaving you. Remember people don’t have to actually leave to be gone. Ever been talking and the person is just nodding and saying uh huh? That person may have already left the conversation. The point is the same things that you did to attract your spouse you should continue after you have(?) them. Keep dressing nicely, even when at home. Stay mannerable. Don’t do the embarrassing things that you wouldn’t do during dating around your spouse once you’re married. Not saying you can’t relax and let your guard down but don’t take their affection and desire for granted. (I'm preaching to myself)
7. Anticipate. Think about your decisions, actions and attitudes and how they might adversely or positively affect your spouse. Even if you can’t/won’t do anything different, at least you’ll be prepared to deal with their possible response if you anticipate.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Turn me up
This summer I took my wife to see Anthony Hamilton in concert. I'm a fan of great musicianship (shout out to Jimmie) and one of the things that impressed me that warm June night in Baltimore (besides Musiq Soulchild's all female band "Annie-Mae") was how Hamilton's bass player would keep the bass line going while conferring with the sound man on stage right. You see anyone that knows anything about live sound knows that is one of the most important elements is sound monitoring.
When we used to go to "Go-Go's" we'd make fun of Anwan Glover calling for his "monitor's" "I need my monitor's!" Dave Chapelle devotes an entire skit to a rappers constant recording of ad-libs referring to the sound engineer, "turn my mic up! turn me up in the head phones! Head phones' is distorted. Turn me up, turn the music down" Many a church sound/man/person knows the perils of not having the pastor's monitors tweaked at the right level, while at the same time gingerly walking the line, trying not to create a audio feedback loop, where the sound coming from the mic is returning back into the mic from a speaker creating that high pitched scream, all because the person on the microphone asked for more monitor. Many a speaker has worked themselves to near exhaustion trying to amplify their voice more than necessary because they couldn't not hear themselves in the sound system.
So what's the big deal? Why do musicians need speakers pointed at them to perform? Why did Erykah Badu temporarily loose hearing in one ear, with in-ear monitors that were carelessly allowed to blast in her ear drums? Why do singers and rapper need head phones in perfectly calibrated stereophonic music studios? And what does any of this have to do with me?
Simply put, in order to perform on the right note, the right key, in harmony, even with sheet music, even though trained to do the right motions to make music notes come out precisely as they should.....
Professionally trained artist need to hear themselves as they perform to make the right sound.
That's the big secret. Even though Anthony Hamilton had been on tour since the beginning of May and had performed two shows in D.C. that weekend and those musicians undoubtedly know those songs frontwards and backwards...to make the right sounds, you have to hear the sound coming out to you as it is coming out to everyone else.
You may wonder, can't they hear straight instrument to ear? Can't you hear your own voice, lips to ear? Ah, but the paradox is 'sound' sounds one way coming from the instrument, but another way to the hearer. Sound is a vibration, across air waves....that is interpreted for the most part by the ear drum, but don't forget the heart, the soul, and the body in general are capable of feeling sound's vibration.
Where we make our mistake, is often times we think we are heard just as we intend for things to sound. (I've had to re-write this several times as I read it aloud to myself.) We have one sound in mind, but far to often the sound that we think we are making is not the sound that people hear. Those words you spoke, you thought you were heard correctly, and when they didn't have the effect that you thought they would the tendency is to blame the hearer. Sometimes we use intonation to mask a true emotion. Ever try to cover up hurt and have someone ask..."what's wrong?" Ever been so excited that someone could hear you smiling through the other end of the phone? No? Well have you ever heard your voice on a voice mail you left? Or watched a video of yourself? Heard a recording of you singing or talking? Wonder why what sounds so good in your bathroom, in your head, or in the mixing booth doesn't quite draw the reaction that you thought it would? Too much auto-tune/vocoder?
Question: Have you heard yourself lately? Have you considered listening to what you are saying to others as they are hearing it (how it sounds to them?) Are your actions speaking louder than your words? Maybe you need to turn your monitors up?
(Note I'll be writing a Sunday/Monday Blog, a Tuesday/Wednesday Blog and a Thursday/Friday Blog...that might stretch into a Thursday - Sunday blog...basically I won't be writing, well posting everyday)
When we used to go to "Go-Go's" we'd make fun of Anwan Glover calling for his "monitor's" "I need my monitor's!" Dave Chapelle devotes an entire skit to a rappers constant recording of ad-libs referring to the sound engineer, "turn my mic up! turn me up in the head phones! Head phones' is distorted. Turn me up, turn the music down" Many a church sound/man/person knows the perils of not having the pastor's monitors tweaked at the right level, while at the same time gingerly walking the line, trying not to create a audio feedback loop, where the sound coming from the mic is returning back into the mic from a speaker creating that high pitched scream, all because the person on the microphone asked for more monitor. Many a speaker has worked themselves to near exhaustion trying to amplify their voice more than necessary because they couldn't not hear themselves in the sound system.
So what's the big deal? Why do musicians need speakers pointed at them to perform? Why did Erykah Badu temporarily loose hearing in one ear, with in-ear monitors that were carelessly allowed to blast in her ear drums? Why do singers and rapper need head phones in perfectly calibrated stereophonic music studios? And what does any of this have to do with me?
Simply put, in order to perform on the right note, the right key, in harmony, even with sheet music, even though trained to do the right motions to make music notes come out precisely as they should.....
Professionally trained artist need to hear themselves as they perform to make the right sound.
That's the big secret. Even though Anthony Hamilton had been on tour since the beginning of May and had performed two shows in D.C. that weekend and those musicians undoubtedly know those songs frontwards and backwards...to make the right sounds, you have to hear the sound coming out to you as it is coming out to everyone else.
You may wonder, can't they hear straight instrument to ear? Can't you hear your own voice, lips to ear? Ah, but the paradox is 'sound' sounds one way coming from the instrument, but another way to the hearer. Sound is a vibration, across air waves....that is interpreted for the most part by the ear drum, but don't forget the heart, the soul, and the body in general are capable of feeling sound's vibration.
Where we make our mistake, is often times we think we are heard just as we intend for things to sound. (I've had to re-write this several times as I read it aloud to myself.) We have one sound in mind, but far to often the sound that we think we are making is not the sound that people hear. Those words you spoke, you thought you were heard correctly, and when they didn't have the effect that you thought they would the tendency is to blame the hearer. Sometimes we use intonation to mask a true emotion. Ever try to cover up hurt and have someone ask..."what's wrong?" Ever been so excited that someone could hear you smiling through the other end of the phone? No? Well have you ever heard your voice on a voice mail you left? Or watched a video of yourself? Heard a recording of you singing or talking? Wonder why what sounds so good in your bathroom, in your head, or in the mixing booth doesn't quite draw the reaction that you thought it would? Too much auto-tune/vocoder?
Question: Have you heard yourself lately? Have you considered listening to what you are saying to others as they are hearing it (how it sounds to them?) Are your actions speaking louder than your words? Maybe you need to turn your monitors up?
(Note I'll be writing a Sunday/Monday Blog, a Tuesday/Wednesday Blog and a Thursday/Friday Blog...that might stretch into a Thursday - Sunday blog...basically I won't be writing, well posting everyday)
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Welcome to new leaf
I have discovered that not creatively producing an output is the spiritual equivalent to not being able to go to the bathroom…..Yes, we can be spiritually constipated (Not pretty.) Just like when you’re physically constipated you cannot take in another morsel of food or drink, although nutrition has been dissipated, because what was taken in hasn’t gone out…there is no longer space for more. Drinking cranberry juice, eating bran flakes and bran muffins won’t solve creative constipation. You have to make something, write something, draw something, and play something, give something, help something, speak something, ____ something.
Think about it. It’s the theory of emptiness; if you never empty you never make room to fill. Imagine if every time you took a sip from a drink of water you tried to replace that sip in the cup? You would never satisfy your thirst. You’d always be busy pouring milliliters of water into a class, never satiating your appetite.
We do this in other areas of life all the time. We spend money only to work hurriedly to replace it, for fear of not having the same amount of money we had before we spent any. When relationships end we have a cadre of potential mates at the ready to put into rotation
So now I see my frustration as a result not of my children’s miss-behavior, nagging parents, a non-compliant wife, or direct dissatisfaction with my job but a result of my non-creatively productive life.
One of the most fulfilling times of my life was when I was in between jobs, not in school, and not actively working in ministry. All I would do during this time, besides buying and watching movies was write. This period of blogging had no real intent attached to it. I wasn’t shooting for inspiration or education of the blogosphere; I wasn’t doing a musical emphasis blog or photo blog I was just getting the words out of my heart, mind and spirit. As I arrived at seminary, had children, got a new job, got married, my creative outputs dwindle to zero. The business of life took over so when I wanted to write a sermon I struggled to get into the flow of creative energy.
We used to watch “Run’s house” and at the end of each show Reverend Run would send an inspirational text message to his friends and family members. I believe that when you are in line with your creative intention the words flow from your being. I look excitedly forward to producing inspirational thought provoking and challenging words that may help someone continue to turn over a new leaf in life.
Question: What’s your creative output? What do you enjoy doing? What do you do for a living?
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